My way for a crying child
I'm 30 (sic! How is that possible?) And I'm not ashamed of sometimes crying. Sometimes when I am sad, sometimes when I am disappointed, whenever someone I love leaves, sometimes out of anger, and sometimes just like that, "because I was spilled. Every time I cry, the presence of another person helps me. The closer to my heart the better. Sometimes a hug, sometimes a hand grab, and most often just being next to it works like the best medicine. Even if it doesn't fix the problem, it will help. Just.
Therefore, if my Child is crying, I can't imagine pretending not to hear Him. I can't imagine letting him wait 3, 5 or 7 minutes for my reaction (although many children books give this as a proven recipe). I can't imagine making him cry.
Healthy babies don't cry for nothing
"From an anthropological point of view, the scream of a small child serves to signal an adult some need (hunger, cold, heat, etc.) or discomfort (feeling abandoned, fear, etc.)."
Children do not feel "need" to cry. So they don't cry to take advantage of you, nor to manipulate you. Crying in a child does not make the lungs stronger. Children do not need to "cry." *
Why do babies cry?
Because they are hungry, because they have a dirty nappy, because something hurts them, because they are tired, because they are too warm, because they are too cold, because they are bored, because they have to relieve tension after an emotional day, because they need your closeness ...
Understanding this helped us get through the tough times. So, Wojtek and I prepared the most important needs of each child in points and we learned them by heart, so that in situations of crying that we did not understand, check off all the points on the list one by one, asking ourselves the following questions: when did he eat? does he have a dry diaper? how much did he sleep? is he too warm? isn't he too cold? is he comfortable? ...
Often it was enough to meet one of the above needs, but just as often it was necessary to look further. Carry, cuddle, rock, sing ... in the most difficult moments, I was helped by the thought that no crying lasts forever, that although I do not know its cause, I will not leave the Child alone, I will not let him cry, especially in loneliness ... just like I would not like despair in eternal loneliness. And little children have no sense of time! For them, what lasts forever now.
For the first time I reached for the scarf - I was always going to try chustonoszeniaand the teary days were the perfect time. Our salvation. Confused, hugged, we both felt relief. Usually it didn't take more than a few minutes for Santa to calm down and… fall asleep. We were both involved, Wojtek and I. When Mikołaj grew older and we started using the soft Asian mei-tai carrier, Grandma was also intrigued. A wonderful sight of an older person (sorry, Mom) believing in your intuition, giving up his habits, breaking down and trying a new one, for the benefit of your child.
Closeness in every situation, the certainty that no cry will remain unanswered gave us wonderful fruits, for which we had to wait many months. Our Mikołaj is very smiling, he is happy, full of trust and very independent. He is not spoiled, forever hanging on his parents as many people said. He's not crying without a reason. She loves guests, company and new people, other children. The words "wear and you will wear half your life ..." luckily did not come true. The carrier sometimes helps us to relieve our emotions after the whole day, then I carry Santa around the room, and he usually falls asleep after a few minutes or he lets me know that he has already "hugged" and that he is ready to go to his bed, where he falls asleep himself. The prophecies that if I ran like this to His every cry, the Child would use me and manipulate me have not come true. Although Mikołaj is only one year old in a few days, he has been able to take care of himself well for a few months, mostly falls asleep himself and certainly does not force anything to cry. Even though he cries sometimes, also when I put him in his crib, I know that he is telling me about his need. Then I hug him or stroke his back, give him a drink. He always helps because I always find and satisfy his need in the end.
I am aware that not only the way of caring for the Toddler, but also his natural, individual disposition affects his personality. However, I am sure that every child will develop everything that has the best, if surrounded by intimacy.
I feel that thanks to the fact that we were answering every cry of Santa from birth, he knows that he can trust us, that when we cry we will always be with him, in many ways. So he doesn't have to force anything to cry.
The first few months are behind us, especially the first 5 months. There was a lot of crying. Nicholas and mine. We were at his disposal 24 hours a day as parents. Tired, sleepy, but always ready to soothe every cry. Not in a minute, not in 3, 5 or 7 minutes, right away. There was so much crying that it happened that words that I heard many times in my life came to mind:
- "Let him cry"
- "Cries because he has such a whim"
- "Cries because he likes"
- "She cries because she needs it"
- "Do not run straight to him, let him cry"
- "The more a child cries for you in childhood, the less you will cry for a child in your life"
- "Let him cry for 5 minutes before you come, and he will cry less and less with time."
Back then, however, I usually used Claude Didierjean-Jouveau's book "Don't cry, baby". In difficult moments, I read it almost all the time and always found strength in myself. I believe they should hand them out to every new mom at the hospital. This is where the quotes in this text come from and I wrote the paragraphs marked (*) on its basis.
What happens to a child whose parent doesn't cry? Sitting next to nothing? The child does not know or understand that he is counting down some minutes. Such a child learns that his call remains unanswered. He loses trust in his parent, which can make him more possessive, more tearful. There can be many more long-term consequences.
“What do we teach a child by not responding to his cry? We teach them to just shut up. We teach them to give up. We teach them not to trust an adult in meeting their needs. We teach them, in general, not to trust others. "
"A scream is a language." It is thanks to him that the child attracts the parent's attention, makes him or her understand that something is wrong, that he needs something. The parent, on the other hand, is "programmed" to respond to the child's scream. How do you know about this? The scream of a child causes an increase in pressure in an adult, increases sweating, causes a faster heartbeat or muscle tension. The parent naturally wants to solve the child's problem at this point. *
This is how nature created us. Let us listen to it, let us listen to our instincts, let us put aside all "wise advice" and let us live in harmony with our child. This is my proven recipe for happiness and love.
And what are your ways to cry baby?