Polish women talk about… A visit to Question for Breakfast
For 2 years, I only touched upon this most difficult topic once. After these two years, one of you gave me courage, who, when we agreed to meet, told me that our history gave her strength in the most difficult moments.
I know from you that talking about losing a child with another person who has such experiences helps you to feel less alone for a moment.
When I received an offer to appear in "Question for Breakfast" on this intimate but very important topic, I had to think, and after talking to my husband, I said that "I should manage". Why?
There is no week for me not to receive at least one message from an Orphaned Motherin which she trusts me, talking about often the most difficult experience she has ever experienced and asking "will I be happy again?", "will I still live normally?", "will this terrible feeling pass?" He's writing to me because even though we don't know each other at all, I seem to be her closest person… Impossible?
I understand that perfectly. If I were to describe the feeling that accompanied me after losing my child in one word, I would say: LONELY.
Abyss of despair it would be two.
Why do we speak so rarely about the death of a child, about a miscarriage?
Is miscarriage a shame?
Personally, I think first because it is extremely intimate and personal experience.
Secondly because because of our miscarriage, we expose ourselves to painful comments, inept attempts to comfort without thinking, and "good advice" that do more harm than good. For the next words that will break our heart into a million pieces again, and which we are trying to put together ineffectively, because when we hear again that "it was not yet a child" or "you will definitely have children" or "it would probably be sick" or "better sooner than later", we fall apart again and we cannot lift again. Orphaned mothers are often so distraught that they want death.
Third, many I have at a loss have a little bit in them guilt. Maybe I worked too much? Maybe I ate badly and did not take vitamins? Did I learn about pregnancy too late? I was not happy with it, so fate punished me?
Fourth, the feeling that disappointed. I have failed my Child, my husband and… myself.
When today I said a dozen times: "miscarried", I figured out how it's a terrible word. When our husband dies, we say that our husband has died. And when our child dies during pregnancy, we say "I had a miscarriage" as if there was some active participation in it, some cause-and-effect relationship between us and the child's death. I realized today that I hated talking about myself like that, just because of that horrible word.
In most cases, none of us had any influence over what happened, it was not at all fault.
"The child has a miscarriage”Is a term that I came up with today, much closer to the truth. For example, my illness was to blame for me, about which I had no idea, because it did not appear until pregnancy, and was discovered only after the second lost pregnancy, when our three children had already gone to heaven.
Today, I would like to make a small contribution to familiarizing us with this difficult topic. That's why I accepted the invitation to the program and told a bit of our story to give strength and hug every Orphaned Mother.
You can see the movie with our conversation here.
I also remembered unusual words from the book "Interrupted Waiting", which I wrote about two years after losing my first child:
“Weeks pass, months pass. Pain is changing. Every hour, every day, without realizing it, we experience a pain transformation that is different every day. But we are also different people than we were because pain shapes us, puts us to the test, but at the same time allows us to discover and develop new and often unexpected resources. In other words makes us better.
Perhaps this is the gift mothers get from their special children. Perhaps that is why special children have special mothers ... "
And you think, is miscarriage a shame? Subject not to talk? Is such a natural and inseparable element of our lives that we need to talk about it?
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Thank you for your words and thoughts.
I was 21 years old, so young and maddened with this love was the fruit, the fruit that grew in me and was loved from the very beginning. 7,9,11, 12, 12 weeks passed. In the 9th week there was a prenatal examination, and this is the worst sentence I heard from a doctor ... the child is dead, the heart stopped beating. I broke down, cried and cried. A referral to the hospital, stay in it, surgery, discharge, return home and all this filled with excruciating pain and all these attempts to console me by people who did not know what it was like to lose a child and the worst were sentences like don't worry you will still have children and even worse, it was only 2 weeks old, so don't despair. As for me, it does not matter how many weeks it was at the time of the loss, it is important that it was mine and I loved it and still love it and I imagine it as a beautiful boy who would be XNUMX years old on May XNUMX this year. Now I have the son I want, I watch him grow up healthy and sometimes I imagine him playing with his older brother. This pain will always accompany me, but I know that my little angel is waiting for me somewhere in heaven and I will be able to hug him one day and say that I love him.
I have never been in your situation, but when I was lying on the pathology of pregnancy before delivery I was confident with me, an elderly lady, also on the last straight.
Very nice and cheerful, when her husband was visiting her, they both spoke to their unborn son, I thought - idyllic. And then the midwife came to do the CTG and asked which ones were pregnant (7) and how many births (4)… Every time I have a bad day, I am reminded of this event.
Women ... You are great to bear so much and keep trying, that you get up every day for your husband, kids, family. I admire you…
Oh, that's what it always sounds like with us too ... I hate these questions and the lack of privacy in our hospitals, and every time when asked about my first child, I have a hard time talking about Mikołaj as the first child, since I know that it's the fourth, I know however, that the interlocutor's goal is to find out how many children I have in this world ... And we only carry so much because we have no choice ... thank you for seeing it and appreciating it <3
I also lost 3 pregnancies. I buried my first child. I didn't have strength for the next ones. But there is a grave where I put candles for them. After the first pregnancy, the guilt was HUGE, especially since everyone was talking about it, and the mother-in-law found me guilty of what happened. I didn't talk about how I felt with anyone. My guilt kept me from going through my grief. It wasn't until a few months after my second miscarriage that something cracked in me. My husband showed me compassion and understanding. The third time was as hard as the previous one, but I allowed myself to mourn, pain and scream. Now I am pregnant again. I'm scared. However, with every lost child, the desire to have children is even greater.
Your story is extremely sad and touching, but also full of hope for the Orphans I have a life after a loss, giving myself the right to mourning, for the next endeavors that tear our hearts apart. Thank you for being here.
I am very pleased to be here and to lose some weight. Now in this pregnancy there were such fears for a child that I signed up for a psychologist. I have to and I want to deal with it. I wish all mothers after loss and health, health, physical and mental strength, support of relatives and the best doctors. Greetings.
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This is a very difficult topic that really affects many women. I know two who have had a miscarriage, one because of complications in the third pregnancy, another because of stress at work. But they both did not give up and gave birth to the desired child at the next pregnancy. In my opinion, you need a lot of strength to accept the loss of a child and be able to keep trying to fight for new family members.
Yes, strength is necessary here, but so often it is lacking ...
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And just such an interview like yours help to find this strength. People who have similar experiences can be the most supportive because they understand what people with a problem feel.
Justyna Aneta Rutkowska
This is a very difficult topic, still unfortunately it is a taboo subject, but it is worth sharing it and making other women aware that it is not worth closing this dilemma. It's a very sad and annoying aspect of life, but it's worth moving it to be able to show your point of view to the rest of people.
PS: Congratulations on your performance!
Thank you! Many of us need to talk about it, but we often meet the wall ...
I believe that this is a very important topic, treated very negligently. Lots of information. With what you said in the program, I agree not 100% but 200%. I also lost my son, if all were well, he would be 5 today. In the hospital, I only heard why you wanted to take the body, you will be sitting at the cemetery ... I didn't know anything about my rights, only later I read on the Internet. Such discussions on the forum are needed, mini that it still hurts a lot ...
Thank you for your words, this is a very important voice that means a lot to me and other Orphan Mam.
Tabayka || tabayka.pl
I did not even think that we had so much in common with each other: and in the hardships of motherhood with the "expiry date" and in its happiness of fulfillment isk I hug tight!
It's so sad how many of us have survived or are still experiencing this tragedy. Today, I can see more clearly that it's good that we're talking about it.
A very important and personal topic. I survived it too. It was easier for me because I knew that my mother and mother-in-law had lost their pregnancy. Of course I was despairing, but I didn't feel so alone in it. To this day, I wonder what would happen if I did not work so hard, if I did not go to the exercises, if I had known about hypothyroidism, etc. And maybe it had to happen that I could appreciate more that I finally became a mother.
We will never know 100% why this happened. My second disease did not appear until I was pregnant, but I remember telling my doctor about luteal failure, which I suspected due to many years of observing the cycles, he advised against testing, and when I did it on my own it was too late ... and the results were terrible.
This is a very difficult topic but I think it should be raised to help through this great suffering to women after losing a child. No one who has ever experienced this can imagine this pain and sadness.
Thank you for your vote. Adds strength.