Waiting interrupted
This post was written many months ago, but it's only today that I have the courage to publish it. Two years have just passed. The two most difficult and beautiful years of my life. And you know what gave me courage? Meeting with one of you. And words that our blog and our history helped her in difficult times. If anyone in the world in such a difficult situation feels better just because I am sharing my story here, I will say: it was worth it.
When, during the next ultrasound examination, I learned that our children were dead, my world stood still. My world, because yours went on. I knew it was over, that everything was over. And I was right. I also died that day. At least part of me. A large part. Huge. In fact, I am surprised that I did not die from this pain.
And so I stayed on the border of two worlds - this and that. Every day, colliding with reality, with the world, which, after all, continued to spin. Living in incomprehension, in terrible loneliness and longing for the Children that this world has not had time to meet, who only knew me and only I understood, what an infinite loss the lack of them is, in this absolute feeling of lack of acceptance and understanding I have thought many times that I was crazy. This book made me realize that it is not so.
I think this book saved me then. Apart from my husband and a few close friends, she gave me faith that I had not lost my mind. That what I feel is normal. That I can despair, cry, miss. That I have the right to experience my universally and socially unacceptable mourning for the loss of "unborn" children as and as I want. That I do not have to live as before, that I do not have to smile and socialize, because I can, and even have to, live this time in my own way. Whether others like it or not. Regardless of whether family and friends stay with me or leave me.
This book spoke to me on behalf of all the Women who lost their Children. It made the feeling of loneliness go away. I believe that this book is the most beautiful gift you can give to a Mother who has lost her Tiny Baby. The second most beautiful gift you can give her is to read it yourself. "Broken Waiting. A guide for women after a miscarriage ”wrote Giorgia Cozza. To buy here.
Anna, thank you for finding this book for me.
Ewelina
I can't find this book, Break Waiting, anywhere. I'm after 2 miscarriages ...
Agnieszka Kudela
Dear Ewelina, I am very sorry ... As far as I can see, the book is available on the Mamania website - the link was provided in the entry, at the very end.
Carolina
I only read this text today, and I lost my son over a year ago. I remember that everyone told me, take a hand. And I didn't want to. I wanted to experience this grief and sadness ... As soon as I allowed myself to grieve, it was easier, I let my son go in my mind. And now I am looking at my second son who is with me. It tastes and hurts. But it gets easier with time. : *
Natalia
The first pregnancy, 8 weeks, the first symbolic socks I bought for my baby, a control visit and this message ... now I'm lying on the hospital bed and waiting and waiting for the end of this horror, and at the same time I'm afraid of the emptiness that awaits me ... and what if I never will not succeed .. and will I find the strength for another attempt. Thank you for this post, which I have been coming back to since the day before yesterday.
Agnieszka
Dear Natalia, I know that no words can soothe your pain, so I just hug you into my heart, the heart of an orphaned mother.
I thought that I would not find strength in myself, but it turned out that my action gave me relief, and the lack of action caused the abyss of despair.
Imagine that in order not to think, I put up our only apartment for rent, not having a plan for anything, but feeling that I have to change something in life, I have to act, because I will suffocate, and when there were people willing to rent it, I started looking for a new opportunity for us. I lost myself in something else, I got pregnant, then another and finally became a mother <3
I gave myself as much time as I needed to suffer - and sometimes when I couldn't stand it, I was absorbed in the finishing touches of a new home.
Girl with a tatoo
So up-to-date ... 27.06.2018
Our Little Angel. He had only 6 weeks ... It hurts
And no one understands how it is ... after all, nothing happened. The child wasn't there. Embryo…
We didn't decide on a funeral. Not to forget but it's our mourning. The grave ... would destroy me. Besides, in the hospital .. no one was able to advise me. they expected us to make a decision when I didn't know my name. I have two older children. I stick to them. but it's hard.
Ania
I lost my chip in 8 tc. Almost 2 months have passed since then. Every memory of a pregnancy, every smile of a pregnant woman brings pain. Because they succeeded and I didn't. I still have a daughter at home and only she keeps me alive. Recently I heard that it is time to start living, to release pain, that that child did not manage to be there. But for me it is and always will be in my heart.
Kinga agnik
And it hurts me a lot that the only thing I can give to my deceased child is flowers for the grave ... It's the only thing ... and I would like to give him everything.
Agnieszka Kudela
Unimaginable pain. I'm so sorry. I remember this feeling, I came home and I wanted to renovate the room for the Children that I dreamed of for them ... I wanted so much to give everything ...
Anna0221
Hello Agnieszka, I survived somehow because somehow gives advice I lost my baby in 7 and 8 Tc passed 4 months and it hurts like hell
Agnieszka Kudela
I'm so sorry. I hug <3
Paolina Paolina
Thank you for this post ... I know that not only happened to me ... and yet memories come back and sometimes it is hard. I have to buy books, maybe it will be a little easier to think about it.
Agnieszka
I deeply believe that it will be like that. I hug <3
Kasia
We were not spared the loss of Dzidziuś. And although in the early stage-7tc-I lost my pregnancy, we have already fallen in love with this marriage ... my husband and I experienced it very much. Every time we are at the cemetery, we light a candle under the main cross for our Little Kruszynka ... I have two wonderful sons - 7,5 and 1,5 years old, I love them very much, but I cannot forget about what happened 3,5 years ago
Małgosia
6 tc, 2 weeks before our wedding. We wanted so much, we wanted it, although at first I thought that the future husband would be next to everything after what he said. Now 3 years later, I have two wonderful J&J sons, my two meanings of life: *
Agnieszka
I'm so sorry. I feel very much. I am so glad that today you have your SENS <3
margaritum
I am glad that there are more women who have coped with this experience and are able to talk about it. I lost my pregnancy a week ago and since then, stories of coping with pain and loss have come to me in various ways. Mostly with a happy ending 🙂
Thank you for your story and the recommendation of this book 🙂 Best regards.
Agnieszka
I hug as hard as I can. You are very brave, I "hear" it in your words. <3
Karolina Wilczek
and also lost 1 child in 16tc I thought I would go crazy despite the very young age 19l skipping that health problems were letting me know it, in addition I heard the worst words as if they could fall in my direction unfortunately you can't have children I didn't think that my person why live then my ground now my husband comforted me despite everything nothing made sense to me everything colorless after a year my husband bought me a dog for Christmas thinking that maybe I will help I admit that I loved him as a child I treated him exceptionally and became a miracle I got pregnant to say funny I don't even know how it happened it was for me the most beautiful news I remember how to, today October 5 returning from the doctor I was crying like stupid words I could not tell my family terrified what happened and I still cry taking the photo from the ultrasound we all thanked ran correctly to 16tc I was in starch indescribable, it passed, I calmed down, but unfortunately it started complications and ended with premature delivery of 27tc and 5day, the date was to be 10ma and the son left 10luty, the first day was the worst day, I thought the fire was gone, the prayer was the only silence for me, I cut myself off, all the time was left I didn't sleep fast, I didn't feel like going through a lot, which I didn't want to anyone, having only 21 years I had to become mature and responsible, luckily my son was successful, being 2msc on my father, he went out of everything with pride glory kilo, and the spirit of the giant now pleases us wisdom of health and opportunity and after 2 years another surprise congratulations you will be your mother for the second time huge happiness and huge fear this time I was taking care of myself you can say that too much every week at the doctor's receiver established from May until the resolution, October in August another suspicion before early delivery together I did not give up, I was not thinking about it, I did not allow myself to, I rested a lot with my son at home, more than once it did not suit him a living lobuz 🙂 and I survived to the deadline and came to the world a year ago 27 October October my Balbinka 4820g and I believe that God has trusted me and gave him a chance, for which he is very thankful 🙂 !!! I am proud and happy mother, which everyone wishes the same. Regards Charles and his children: *
Agnieszka
Oh Charles! Thank you for sharing your story with me. Extremely difficult and painful, but so beautifully finished <3 I am sure that it will give hope to many women. Wojtek and I read it all together, "breathe in", word for word ... We are very happy that you are proud and happy, never forget it: * We greet you all very much !!!
Ewelka
Hello Agnieszka, I also lost my baby in 10 weeks ... it still hurts me today .. and I can't cope with it .. I'm still waiting for a positive pregnancy test, but so far no changes.
Agnieszka
I'm so sorry I remember this time so well. Although today I have the longed-for Child, it does not change my longing for children who have left me. They just are with me in everything I do. I am sure that everyone, if they really want it, will finally find their way to parenthood, I don't know why it must be so long, difficult and painful for some people, and sometimes completely unobvious, but I believe that it has some greater sense that we we just can't see now and that faith has allowed me to survive. I wish you dreams come true. Thank you for writing.
Karolina Wilczek
I also lost my child 1 in 16tc I thought I would go crazy despite the very young age of 19l skipping that health problems were letting me know it, in addition I heard the worst words as if they could fall in my direction, unfortunately you can't have children I don't think that my person why live then my ground now my husband comforted me despite everything nothing made sense to me everything colorless after a year my husband bought me a dog for Christmas thinking that maybe I will help I admit that I loved him as a child I treated him exceptionally and became a miracle I got pregnant to say funny I don't even know how it happened it was for me the most beautiful news I remember how to, today October 5 returning from the doctor I was crying like stupid words I could not tell my family terrified what happened and I still cry taking the photo from the ultrasound we all thanked ran correctly to 16tc I was in starch indescribable, it passed, I calmed down, but unfortunately it started that the complications ended with the premature delivery of 27tc and 5day, the date was to be 10ma and the son left 10luty, the first day was the worst day, I thought the fire was gone, the prayer was the only silence for me, I cut myself off, all the time was still available I was coming back to sleep fast, I didn't eat for anything, I didn't feel like much, we didn't go through anything that anyone wished, having only 21 years old, I had to become mature and responsible, luckily my son was successful, being 2msc my wisdom in health and opportunity and after 2 years another surprise congratulations you will be your mother for the second time huge happiness and tremendous fear this time I was taking care of myself you can say that too much every week at the doctor's receiver established from May until the resolution, October next suspicion that before the early birth together I did not give up, I was not thinking about it, I did not allow myself to, I rested a lot with my son at home, more than once it did not suit him a living lobuz 🙂 and I survived to the deadline and came to the world a year ago 27 October October my Balbinka 4820g and I believe that God has trusted me and gave him a chance, for which he is very thankful 🙂 and I wish each of you the same !!! Greetings to Karol and his children: *
Katarzyna
until I had chills on my body as I read it, now that I consciously start thinking about motherhood.
Take care and other Women too: *
I hope this post will never concern me.
Marzena Mendziak
Agnieszka, unfortunately I can also subscribe to this entry. Although 4 years have passed since that tragedy, I still remember well how I cried, how I could not cope with this flood of love that I had for a child who was no longer there ... Today I look at my daughter, who is just 3 months old today. I thank God every day for giving it to us.
Agnieszka
You wrote it perfectly - this burst of love was amazing, I couldn't find any outlet for this feeling, I planted flowers, I went to the cemetery, I thought that I would probably just arrange a children's room to let them out ... I hug you very tightly, I am very happy that you have now such happiness with you.
Paulina
Fast as for an order, a week ago I lost my daughters, Zosia and Anielka, 12tc, I am also surprised that I am still alive, that the world is still rushing forward as if nothing happened ... I am waiting for this time that heals wounds
Agnieszka
I hug you to my heart as much as I can. If I can help you, try writing to me <3
magdalena.
28 week of pregnancy. Wojtuś and Filip. 10. 05. 2011
how would it be yesterday.
Agnieszka
I hug you beloved as much as I can.
Milena Machocka
... there is an orphan for a child who has lost his parents. There is a word for widow for a woman who has lost her husband. However, there is no definition of the parent who lost the child, maybe because this loss cannot be described in any way ... I lost 2 pregnancies, the second one deprived me of the opportunity to try for a child in a natural way, thank God that I live in the times when IVF exists and I could use it take advantage, I'm in the 24th week, I'm happy and at the same time afraid ...
Ania
Please :*
Anna Gładysz
Oh, I feel so bad for you! I lost my child at 6. week. It's been several years, and it still hurts the same. He thought that Alexander would have an older sister or brother, it hurts me.
Great post, it is good to know that I do not survive such a tragedy alone.
Agnieszka
Thank you for writing.