When is the best time to say about pregnancy?
Since yesterday, I have come across posts that encourage me to reflect on more and more reflections, especially on a very painful topic for me. The first was Żelikowska and her very brave, personal and wise essays "Are you afraid to have a child? Me too!" and "Pregnancy update - definitely personal entry". Today, however, in a completely different tone, less private, but also significantly Alina and her "The border of privacy - where is yours?", To which question I answer from 33 days each, one day.
A few months ago in my series "Happy 7" I shared with you a photo of my pregnancy test with the magic two lines. Later I started writing a series of posts about pregnancy. The series ended much too early, after three months. Together with my pregnancy.
Real life
I have wondered many times if I did the right thing. Did I do the right thing by sharing the happy news not only with my husband and immediate family, but also with my friends and colleagues.
A month has passed, and I already know - if I could turn back time, I wouldn't change anything.
Pregnancy, carrying two children under my heart - it was undoubtedly difficult, but one of the most beautiful periods of my life. Experiencing this joy with my family, friends, acquaintances, clients and co-workers gave me wings. Maybe I felt internally that those who rejoiced with me when I was expecting a Baby would cry with me when anything went wrong. I was not wrong. I could count on their empathy and understanding. I also received a lot of support from my immediate family in making difficult decisions. I can't imagine going through all this without them. I can't imagine they wouldn't know about what I'm going through.
Blog
Initially, it was another place where I could share my happiness, give advice or talk about my first maternal experiences. A very precious place. It is thanks to this blog that I also met other mothers at a similar or completely different stage of pregnancy as me. All this was and still is extremely valuable to me.
After the tragedy that struck me, several times it crossed my mind whether to delete pregnancy posts or pretend that they never existed. But it was. I became a mother and I will always be mother. I became a mother, I had the happiest time in my life. I have two boys. It is something to be proud of for me. Not to be "deleted".
In my opinion
If, when and to whom we tell about our pregnancy, what we fear most will not happen to us. And the fact that no one knew about our pregnancy would not make the disappointment and pain less - or maybe the opposite. However, I am sure that the support of the people closest to us, but also of our neighbors, clients or colleagues, can help soothe our pain a little.
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Barbi
Thanks for this post. I'm only 6 weeks pregnant and I'm still wondering to tell everyone? My husband and I tried for this child for almost 2 years and that's why I'm afraid of everything. But on the other hand…. anything can happen in a week, two, three months ... Miscarriage and other problems are human and if they do happen, even though they are a tragedy, you need to talk about it because it can happen to anyone ...
Agnieszka
This is exactly what I think about it <3 and I wish you happiness, health and health: *
KM
I was afraid to speak because I was terribly afraid of loss. We said about the first pregnancy after 12 week, and I still felt anxious. Fortunately, everything was fine. The son was born healthy and the pregnancy was easy.
On March 23, 2017, during a routine visit, I heard that the pregnancy is not developing and the heart is not beating anymore. It was 10 weeks. I was getting ready to tell about the pregnancy to my family and work, and there is no more pregnancy here. It's over. Shock, disbelief and great pain. Although my gut feeling wasn't right from the beginning. I was not happy, I was not getting used to this state, I had strange fears ... A bad feeling did not save me from pain and despair.
I went to the hospital, I got pills to miscarriage. They did not affect my body at all and I was taken for surgery. I was angry that I can't even miscarry on my own. And thankful that I don't have to experience the trauma of a miscarriage.
I didn't talk about the pregnancy because I was afraid that I would have to "cancel". I thought I wouldn't be able to talk about it. And now I regret it because I want to shout my pain to the whole world! I've met a lot of women after a miscarriage. Why aren't we talking about this? Why are we left alone with this? The talks helped me the most. I know people are afraid not to hurt, but even if the question causes my tears, these tears are needed. I have a lot of tears left undisturbed.
Agnieszka Kudela
Dear, the fact that I did not reply right away was only because I experienced your message very much.
I told my husband about it and we came to the conclusion that we had identical fears - on the one hand, we were afraid to speak too early, on the other hand, we were afraid not to speak, because in the event of an early loss of the Child, there would be the question of talking about pregnancy and her loss at the same time, because You say - you don't want to be silent about it - at least we had it too. We also had such a feeling that the Child that was not talked about as if it did not exist for the world… and it is our Child and he deserves to speak about Him with the greatest respect and love. We lost the second pregnancy in the 8th week, a week after telling the family, literally a few days after telling our closest friends. We didn't manage to tell the rest ...
Why are we left alone with this pain? I see that many people avoid difficult conversations in life, uncomfortable situations, even prefer to "sweep their own problem under the rug" and pretend that nothing has happened, instead of facing it and experiencing it, working through it ... so it is difficult to expect such people to understand someone else, i.e. our situation. Many people are alone with the problem, misunderstood by the environment, are already so hurt that they prefer not to expose themselves and continue to blow. In my personal opinion, miscarriage and the loss of a Child during this period, as well as mourning for him, is to a large extent socially unacceptable for us, so we close ourselves with it in four walls, in our own head ... Many people who want to get out of this scheme and help people after the loss, they do not know how to find themselves in such a situation, they have never encountered patterns of desired behavior before and they simply do not know how to deal with the person after the loss. I don't know it myself, although I've experienced it too many times ...
KM
I'm sorry I brought up the pain of loss. Although naively at first
I thought that I would get this "episode" out of my head, that I would convince you that it was a wrong test and
only such hope, not pregnancy ... Today I know that it is impossible
forget. And it's better day by day to master this despair.
I came back to work and I live. Sometimes when I wake up too early then
I let tears roll down my cheeks.
Thank you for your reply. Every hearing and reaction is very valuable to me. Because sometimes it's easier to tell a stranger.
Ja
with family members I avoid this topic. Or maybe they avoid it? I know that
they can not. I know that they feel better, I can't speak or see
my tears already. Maybe they think I "got over".
My husband, honestly
he said he hurt when he looked at me. That he would prefer
for me to smash half the apartment, break all the plates and start
live".
And I know that although I say I lost my pregnancy, no
baby (because I still naively think it's less pain ...) it's just
I am going through a mourning. And paradoxically I will never accept this loss but
I accept.
A long time ago I bought a volume of priest's poems
Twardowski. When I was wrong I opened on the random page and in
I was looking for answers, consolation and understanding. After coming from
I did it in the hospital. Poems on which the volume has opened:
DO NOT CRY
Do not Cry. It's just a cross
you have to
don't shiver. It's just love
like a wound in a bread stick
and you like a funny blackbird
what Blackbird expects
easier when you don't know
the angel pondered
wanted to speak
but he went to heaven
ABOUT PAIN
What pain can change into
in anger stomping his foot
in an open book closed slowly
in prayer
private cry because straight to the pillow
letter written five times with no relation to things
silence at the table
walking there and back around the truth
touching the lonely lips with a teaspoon of tea
into the impossible - not the last one yet
in the same love again
ending long
so let Mother continue to hurt
Married mother
I didn't tell my family about my second pregnancy until I was 14 weeks old. My husband and my mother knew from the very beginning and it was much easier for me than when everyone knew about the first pregnancy after the test. I felt at ease, no one asked, I didn't get irritated, I wasn't in the spotlight. I don't know, maybe I just have it ...
Magdalena "Sorridence" Winches
Take care little big woman 🙂
Anonymous
I miscarried 20 September in 8 week, the day after the ultrasound on which I saw my Okruszek's beating heart for the first time. The husband spoke of pregnancy immediately and to all his relatives. Although I knew that misfortune could happen to us. 6 years ago my older sister 2 a week before the planned delivery learned that her daughter's heart stopped beating. Instead of birth, we had a funeral. At the time, it was a shock to us and our family. Then I experienced it so much, I was so terribly sad that my beloved sister is experiencing such a drama. When I saw two lines on the test I felt great peace, but deep down I knew that this was just the beginning of the road. Now it's been over a month, the world has changed in nothing. I've only changed. There is a girl at work in the fourth month of pregnancy. I wish her luck, of course, but it hurts so much when others ask her cheerfully about her pregnancy, although they know what I experienced. Although now I think they do not know and it is not their fault. And I don't regret saying that. People close to me should know that I am different. I can't describe it exactly in words. For this short time I was a mother and it was beautiful and sad. And that's part of me now. It changed me forever. PS. My sister now has a brave boy and a beautiful girl. Both pregnancies without any hassles. I believe that nothing happens without a reason. And I will be a mother too. And you too.
Inka
Madeleine
I am very sorry that you have been so unhappy ...
But you are right that when and to whom we tell about pregnancy, it will not make something happen or not. We have no influence on it, and then we will either be left alone with pain, or we will be able to share it ... just like we used to be happy.
In my opinion, to have support even if they are distant or strangers to us is very important because we do not feel alone.
I squeeze hard!
snikersik - parenting blog
I send my sympathy, I wish that such things would happen
Anonymous
It's good that you write about it. I did not tell almost anyone about my first pregnancy - I had a miscarriage in 9 weeks. I couldn't bear those sympathetic looks then, it hurt too much, I wanted to forget, not talk about it. About two o'clock I said only after prenatal tests at 12 tc - my sweet son will soon be 3 months old. I am ripe for it and speak openly about the miscarriage, even to my friends. Why? Let them know that this is not a single incident, that it can happen to anyone, and it does happen often. It also often means that you have to wait longer for your happiness, but it will come, which I sincerely wish you.
maya
The first time I saw two lines on a pregnancy test, I felt so much joy and a desire to share it with everyone that I thought I would explode if I didn't. On the first ultrasound, I was supposed to hear a tiny heartbeat ... I didn't hear ... I cried all night in the hospital ... I was supposed to have the procedure, but I asked the doctors to wait. today ... I sincerely join you in pain: * [*]
maya
The first time I saw two lines on a pregnancy test, I felt so much joy and a desire to share it with everyone that I thought I would explode if I didn't. On the first ultrasound, I was supposed to hear a tiny heartbeat ... I didn't hear ... I cried all night in the hospital ... I was supposed to have the procedure, but I asked the doctors to wait. today ... I sincerely join you in pain: * [*]
KaroDeco
I send strong hugs!
I read here and follow on Instagram, and one day I thought about you and your "children's" posts and such a sad thought came to me, why are they missing recently ... unfortunately. I'm sorry…
I did not write about my pregnancy and did not mention it in the virtual world. Somehow, all the time I was afraid that if I wrote, something would go wrong. I know I shouldn't have thought that.
I hug it virtually!
Anonymous
You've probably got every woman's heart.
Remember that what doesn't kill us will strengthen us.
I hug you and wish you all the best!
Anonymous
I personally waited for 3 a month, because I was afraid of this symbolic period. I wanted to be sure that everything was ok with my child. It was unfortunate, I had a miscarriage in 5 almost a month. Unfortunately, life is full of various surprises, not necessarily good ones. And support is extremely valuable , although we are always alone in sadness. Fortunately, each of us has strength in us. After the storm comes the sun.
bidibi
very sorry. Unfortunately, I also know what you are going through.
believe me, it's easier to go through difficult times when others know what you're going through. I believe that people are rather friendly.
today when I look at my children I am full of happiness, but I will always remember that little heart! time, however, heals wounds, thankfully.
I send hugs !! and I'm waiting for the blog cd!
Kamila PeugeotCikowa
I'm glad you shared your tragedy with us.
nowadays it is easy to brag, to talk about a failure, a tragedy - it is a great courage.
hug 🙂
Agnieszka
I have never looked at it this way, but maybe it is.
Dziekuje.
Wrong
You made the right decision, I myself am with all my heart for this model. What has happened is yours forever, with all the wealth of unique experiences. Both good and painful. All this has to be humanly dealt with; in order to gain joy from what life brings us. I believe you will make the best choices.
Agnieszka
Thank you :*
mt
Thoughts with you.
I become a mother forever.
My grandmother's son was murdered when he had 15lat. She never accepted it, she thought about him at all times. Every day cheerful, to admire. At the end of her life she was waiting for the Meeting.
What is happening now will be the beginning of something more mature.
I wish you the weather.
Christmas.
Do you know what a beautiful entry it is? really. has a lot of power in itself. positive and optimistic. because despite the tragedy that undoubtedly met you, you have a huge dose of strength and faith. I send a lot of virtual support and wish you all the best! because I'm sure the best is still ahead of you: *
Agnieszka
Gee, but nice words, thank you. I hope you're right.
After writing this post, I slept terribly badly, touched on a very difficult and personal topic, and that was not the idea for this blog. However, as I wrote above under the comment Design your life - I don't think I could otherwise ...
Design your life
Dear, since yesterday I am getting ready to write something, I was deeply touched by what you wrote, I admire you for your strength in dealing with everything, I admire you for the faith and hope that can be felt in your voice, or actually "the tone of your speech "... You are very brave. It's good that… you feel good about your decisions, because as I wrote this, our personal, own boundary is the most important. I wish you all the best and send you lots of positive thoughts! I greet you warmly! : *
Agnieszka
Thank you. You just know what? Writing about dietary supplements that I took during pregnancy, adding photos of a card that I received with congratulations from my beloved customers or DIY about maternity pants - all this was 100% in line with me.
But neither my loss nor writing about it is in line with my limits.
For a month I was wondering what the future turns of my blog would be, I was thinking about giving up writing so as not to answer difficult questions and comments of people who do not want to just just follow my entries. I considered deleting all posts about children and pregnancy, but I wouldn't feel fair with myself or with readers. I was considering deleting comments with questions about pregnancy, but I would disrespect those who read me.
So I wrote a post yesterday about why I don't write about the child anymore.
Your comments mean a lot to me. But I don't feel good with all this. I don't feel I did the right thing.
I am comforted that maybe something good will come of it, and crossing my own border will not take revenge on me.
Ideally, as if nothing bad happened and I could continue to write ... but life had a different plan and I'm trying to find it, also here and it's fucking hard for me.
Design your life
I understand your desire to get things done "properly". Unless I can imagine your feelings, I can understand the feeling of "being stripped of privacy" that comes when we say more than planned. It is similar when we confide in a person in real life more than originally planned. But there is no need to dwell on now whether it's good or bad. I hope that everything will be fine for you, also on the blog, and you will feel 100% comfortable here again. Hug!
Agnieszka
You put it perfectly. I feel I have said more than I would like. I also feel that I have not been able to find a better solution.
aldia arcadia
I imagine what you feel ...
I have a similar opinion. not hide your happiness ... ..
and also pain ...
I hug strongly and send a lot of strength.
: )
Agnieszka
Thank you. I was just on your blog - I liked your post about our thoughts very much - I added to bloglovin and I will definitely keep checking it.
art attack {be inspired}
A bit at a distance, a bit from behind the screen but I was experiencing a lot with you and a smile and tears.
Everything is still ahead of me, but I am already wondering if I will be able to brag quickly because of my health.
I believe that everything will be fine and you will enjoy childhood entries for a long time. And beautiful is what you wrote after all - that you became a mother. Bold, beautiful and strong; *
dekoMagJa
A beautiful entry.
May you never have to remove these threads. A lot of cordiality and understanding.
Anna from odinspiracjidorealizacji@interia.eu
The power of hugs and positive energy: *
alicjamagdalena
I wish you much luck and strength! I am very sorry, I am 4, my parents' longed-for child. You have to have a lot of courage and determination to keep trying after 3 tragedies. That is why I admire all women affected by this tragedy so much ... Best regards, I send positive vibrations! :))
booklover
It's good that you decided on such an honest entry! I am sending you hugs: *
Joy Manufactory
I feel very sorry for you. Best wishes!
Paulina Kielar
with my youngest daughter, we waited until the first month to tell any family, but not because I did not want to brag, but not to upset them, because there was a suspicion that the baby's heart does not beat ... and I would say right away ... although these three months in your cases were the happiest under the sun, however, babies are our treasure, and it is very good that you were happy and praised me that I would do the same ... I wish you many more such posts about pregnancy, greetings warmly
Agnieszka
Thank you, I hope your wish will come true 🙂
Magdalena Krupa
I came here from designyourlife. I live in Norway and there is such a rule that you tell your friends, family etc. about pregnancy after 12 weeks, because earlier the chances of miscarriage are so high that it's better to wait a while. Fotballfrue… the biggest Norwegian blogger waited until week 17….
Agnieszka
Your comment is very valuable to me. He allowed me to enrich my post with another 3 sentences, because: "In my opinion, whether, when and to whom we will tell about our pregnancy, what we fear will not happen to us. And the fact that no one knew about our pregnancy, no it will make the pain less - and it may be the other way around. On the other hand, support or understanding not only of our loved ones, but also of our neighbors, clients and colleagues, may help soothe our pain a little. "
www.fashionable.com.pl
I do not know what I should write ... But I read your post with a lot of attention and sent it on, it will cheer up not one woman!
Agnieszka
Thanks for your comment. I just thought about how we met - at a meeting of Tricity bloggers. I was already pregnant then. Slightly to the side, but definitely not "alone", a freshly baked "truck" celebrating every moment of its happiness. I knew Marysia the most closely and I was wondering if I would find the right moment to tell her. Am I allowed to. I remember that I ordered decaffeinated coffee - the first coffee I had drunk in a few weeks ... I remember little Ina, her parents and Agata being pregnant - and how I felt already then part of this group of people called "parents", although none of you he didn't know about it ...
www.fashionable.com.pl
You know, although we know each other only a little bit, mainly through the screen, I would love to give you some encouragement. Although I have the impression that you are so strong and brave. Although not personally (they did not concern me directly), but I had the opportunity in my life to experience such situations several times with women close to me and I know a little bit how you feel.
Agnieszka
It wasn't until I experienced the loss myself that I learned how many women were and are in my situation. Starting from the family (here I got a serious support package, not only mental) on contractors.
One of the women who provides us with services to the company called me once and said - "Congratulations! Why didn't you show me off? Me, young mother! I have so much advice for you ..." Only after I told her what happened I heard that she went through same.
There is a tremendous power in women, how wonderful it is that they can share it.
www.fashionable.com.pl
And it's probably important that they want to share. Sometimes it's easier together!