Letter to the unborn child

It's the most intimate thing I do, but I have a feeling this letter won't do any more good, lying at the bottom of my memory chest.

Gdynia, 4 December 2013

My beloved mice.

How cruel life has become when you are gone. Each day of mine is full of pain and loneliness. Nothing will be the same anymore. And this wound in my heart never seems to heal.

I found out that there are two of you only in the hospital, after you died, although you were still in my belly. And a smile appeared on my face.

I still have so much to give you: my time, your little room, furniture and handmade bedding. My time, and the exclusive 2 years that I have reserved especially for your conception and birth. So that you can grow calmly in my tummy, to be able to look after you every day and spend time together. That I would not miss your first smile or step.

God took you away from me and I was left alone. With my time, with my love, with all that I want to give you. You are just not there and although I want so much, I will not give you anything. Instead of decorating your room and choosing a layette, I had to choose a coffin and a tombstone for you. And flowers. Blue.

My beloved boys, my beloved, Peter and Pawelek, Mummy loves you more than the life that ended with your departure.

And the fact that nobody understands me, nobody wants to imagine how terribly I miss you, doesn't help me. What a great pain I feel because I will never know you, hug you, never love you. That I won't tell you that you are my whole world to me. That no one else will ever get to know you, and even less understand my suffering.

My beloved mice, I hope you are somewhere in heaven. As your mother, I should help you, and today I am asking you to intercede with God. God, give me strength, give me strength to continue living. Give me strength for THEIR Dad. Help me to say goodbye to my children and to part with them. Lord God, I am asking you for strength, because I have already run out of it.

Your Dad says you're not proud of me because I fell apart so completely. But how is it possible to accept the departure of such wonderful beings as you?

You will always be in my heart, I will never forget you and I will always miss you. And nothing will change it. For there is no power that can overcome such love.

Agnieszka

20 Września 2013