Trapped in perfectionism
It is extremely easy to fall into the trap of perfectionism and lose the balance between family, home and work. How to deal with this?
I started my own company at the age of 22 - then I won the competition for the best Business Plan and set up the Portal PobieramySię. Back then, I was still living in my family home, studying every day, and earning extra money as a barmaid in the evenings and on weekends. In the first place, I quit working in a restaurant and divided my time between studies, an English language course, a new company, a boyfriend, friends and family. Live not die. I had no other obligations - I didn't have to run the house or take care of my child, I wasn't responsible for anyone except myself. Buried nights, work and study until morning was my specialty, the more so as my ambition made me use the potential of the university and increase my "earnings" thanks to science, with the help of a scholarship. It was probably then that I started to develop my perfectionism the most intensively. A trip to Paris for six months and working as an au pair in a real Parisian family like from the book "Madame Chic" only strengthened me in this.
Years later, I find it easy to be a perfectionist, if the consequences are borne only by you. The late nights, dark circles under the eyes, stress seem to be an inseparable element of a young person's life. The problem begins when there are people in our lives for whom we are responsible: a partner, husband, child, or maybe a parent whom we want or need to support. Then our perfectionism begins to limit us.
Usually it quickly turns out that this cannot be done anymore. That if we want to do everything we have done so far and at the same level as we have done so far, sooner or later we simply collapse some zone of our life. The day will not stretch, and we usually do not gain strength.
So what are the solutions?
1. Resignation from quality - that is, we keep doing the same, but unfortunately we lower the quality of everything or many things.
2. Resignation from quantity - that is, we continue to focus on the highest quality, but give up some tasks / classes.
3. Resignation from quality and quantity - thus setting priorities on the basis of which we can define areas in which we give up quality and those in which we give up quantity.
It is impossible to hide - very often, when a family appears in our life, and even more so a child, when we work full-time and want to develop our own company, when we want to go to university or devote ourselves to a new hobby, and we want to do all this perfectly, sooner or later to verify our current approach to the world and set new priorities.
Personally, when I gave birth and returned to work, I answered a few questions:
If during the day I have 4 hours for the exclusive disposal of my husband and child, what do I want to do during this time? Cook dinner, clean, vacuum, keep the house immaculate or play, laugh and walk? On a weekend fly on a rag or go for a weekend out of town, and embrace the house when Miki goes to sleep?
If during the day I have 8 hours for the exclusive use of the office, do I want to do everything myself? Do you focus on what pushes the company forward?
Do I prefer to divide my free time into people in the company of whom I feel that I can't be myself or focus on those with whom I feel in my place?
If you come to me with unannounced coffee, do not expect cake in the oven and scuffed corners, because most of the time I used to spend at home today is for my family and blog. And you know what? I love my home imperfections because it reminds me that I have more interesting things to do. For example, read your comment on this post and reply to it 🙂
Ania
I haven't entered your blog for a long time, Agnieszka…. not because I forgot about you, it's just because there is not enough time. And while I had a little more time when my 2-year-old son was so independent that I could afford to find time for my needs, now that our daughter was born - I do not have it at all :) literally meaning :) With 2 little children there is really something to do. Continuous washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing, feeding, changing…. and so on. … Completion of construction, finally moving… I was almost crazy…. a thousand things to do, and a day is only 24 hours. I was a perfectionist, I like order, order and harmony. I was - because I stopped grasping it all. It can be easily compared to a Sisyphean job, because cleaning the whole house in the evening ceased to be a priority for me when the next day from the morning a mess, scattered toys, another washing, a pile of dishes ... One day I sat down and said that I would not be be so concerned about it. I looked at my children and realized that instead of being the perfect lady of the house, I would go for a walk with the children and eat dinner outside. On that day, the clean floor and the ironed laundry were no longer important to me. My children in the future will surely not remember whether the house was only shiny or they got enough time, attention and love from their mother. That matters to me now. Life is so short and it is impossible to have a perfect home and at the same time a perfect mother. I am here and I am writing because my children are already sleeping and I have a few minutes "free", a few because I want to sleep mercilessly, but when I saw this post about perfectionism, I couldn't not write :) Every woman who has become a wife, mother, runs the house certainly understands what you wrote Agnieszka. I knew that having a child changes a lot, turns our lives 360 degrees, that nothing will ever be the same again, but giving birth to another one changes even more :)) I don't know what perfectionism is, now it has something that is really important in life - FAMILY , children who are everything to me, their smile and love are the most beautiful that could meet me :)
Agnieszka
Oh Anna, I feel an absolutely soul mate <3 You know that recently I have exactly the same name for this madness? "Sisyphean work". I love having a perfect order, but the price is too high. Every day I learn to accept a completely different condition of our home and not feel remorse because of it, because as you say - our children will not remember the perfect order well if they run out of our time. From my childhood, I have terrible memories of vacuuming - for me it was absolutely a waste of time that my mother could devote to me. And just like you - having a baby is an unimaginable change for us, we dream about a second baby, but I prefer not to imagine how hard it will be, in my dreams I see us laughing in the car and singing songs. Common sense tells you that they are terribly tired, but life is too short to get enough sleep 😉
Eng
perfect post, perfect for me! I have always set the bar for myself, I have never been able to focus on one thing, I have always done several and accounted for myself in a very strict way. Fortunately, I closed the subject of studies, I have finally completed it, but there are two jobs left, a house renovation, where we do everything from scratch, we have to take care of every thing, we do most of the rest ourselves and you know what bothers me the most in all this? that I have little time for my friends, that I have remorse for every moment I spend wrong. And life is so short, it flies through your fingers….
Agnieszka
I agree with you ... especially on a day like today, when she has planned too much again and again not everything has been done successfully, and instead of enjoying what I did, I found myself whining again that it is not perfect ... I'm glad that I can pick up such things better and better and just let go of doing everything and focusing on what is really important ...
Eng
I'm high five! Today I am trapped again. Although I got up at 5 to clean the apartment, I did not manage to make the most important point from my planner, I did not finish the project, I am angry with myself again, but do I need it? Since I came from work, I made dinner and sat down for calculations. Well, I miss a few hours a day, and because I'm a sleepyhead and I like to sleep about 7 h, I run to sleep! Good night ; *
Agnieszka
Oh yes ... I am laughing to stop the world for a week, then I will work for myself and in a week I will get through everything, and of course I will sleep 🙂
Eng
very good idea, just a month to work and a week to rest, and then let the earth start spinning again; )))
Rose Kusyk
And I am still struggling with my perfectionism. Being a mother in exile, learning German joined my "duties" and of course it cannot be that I speak something wrong, but because of my stubbornness in being perfect, I either do not speak at all or I grumble at home because it was not perfect: - (I still need to get to the wise approach that you have. Regards ☺
Agnieszka
Oh learning languages "at our age" is really an art, I lived in Paris for half a year myself and I spoke English as much as possible, so as not to make mistakes. I had the blockade to the max ... that's why I congratulate you on your self-denial and I wish you success in letting go of yourself 🙂
asia / wkawiarence.pl
after 13 years of working at work I just took a few months break, and ufff how good I am with it 🙂
Agnieszka
Wow! Revelation, congratulations 🙂 I have never had such an experience, I envy 🙂
Monika
So I'm not alone
Agnieszka
Take it easy, I myself "brainwash" myself every time when I am annoyed by incomplete laundry or an unpacked dishwasher, I repeat to myself that it's nothing wrong, because I really do a lot, I'm happy and I will not let this happiness spoil a few cups 🙂 I also ask myself whether in a few years I will remember the sink, which is dry at any time of the day or night, or playing on the floor with a dirty mug in the background 😉 so dear - everything is in your hands, you can do auto therapy yourself 🙂
Monika
I like this philosophy more and more
Agnieszka
mmm I hope that the walk was wonderful 🙂 these moments really stay in us and in the children, and the laundry? it's a Sisyphean job, you have to do another one in a week, so instead of doing the laundry perfectly (although I am tempted to hang paired socks next to each other perfectly stretched and on the buckles of the same color) I learn to do them simply well enough 😉
Marta Kusa
Having a four-month daughter at home, I also said that you can't be a perfectionist, because although I don't know how I tried, there will always be something that will not be perfect 😉
Agnieszka
I remember a month after giving birth instead of getting enough sleep when Miki was asleep I scrubbed the bathroom nap to 2 to flash and I sent my husband a mms photo as to what goddess I am the goddess of chastity 😉 today when I get over once a week I'm happy 😉
Magdalena Bronk
You're just brilliant! You kept my spirits up 🙂 Although I do not have so many responsibilities on my head, I still struggle with my thoughts how I will find time after the birth of my child for my perfect house or new challenges - and the problem is solved 🙂 Greetings to you dear! : *
Agnieszka
Oh yes, I was also terribly worried, normally I did not want to let guests into the house when Mikuś was tiny, because I still had little order and instead of enjoying the guests, I was ashamed, because it seemed to me that unwashed dishes were a sign of my defeat ... today I can even smile at them 😉